How to Be a Therapist When You’re Going Through It

It can be so hard to be a therapist when you’re navigating the emotional toll of generally being a human yourself.

No matter how much training we have, how long we’ve been doing this work, or how good we are at supporting other people—we’re still people.

We go through ups and downs. Relationships change. We experience loss and grief. We move, separate, get sick, worry about people we love, feel lonely, become overwhelmed, and navigate transitions we chose and transitions we absolutely did not.

The human part of us is also what makes us good at this work. Our own experiences help us understand vulnerability, uncertainty, grief, fear, and change.

But carrying our own stuff while caring for other people can be really challenging.

So, how do we make space for both? Here’s what I’ve learned. 

1. Slow down

When you’re going through a challenging time, pay attention to the urge to move through it quickly.

A lot of us want to get to the other side. We want to figure it out, make a decision, solve the problem, feel better, and get back to “normal.”

See if you can notice that urgency without immediately acting on it.

Slow down enough to ask yourself: How am I actually doing?

Notice the anxiety. Notice the sadness, anger, uncertainty, or exhaustion. Validate what you’re experiencing instead of immediately trying to change it.

And then practice some of the compassion for yourself that you so readily offer to your clients.

Slowing down doesn’t make the hard thing disappear. It gives you enough space to notice what you actually need—and hopefully respond to yourself a little more kindly.

2. Let yourself be human in session

This one can feel tricky.

A lot of us learned early in our careers that we don’t bring our stuff into the therapy room. It’s not about us.

And that’s true. Our clients aren’t there to take care of us.

But pretending that we don’t exist isn’t the answer either.

Our energy, presence, attention, and nervous systems influence what happens in the room—whether that room is virtual or in person. Being aware of how we’re showing up is part of being responsible for the therapeutic relationship.

There have been times when I’ve said something to a client like:

“Before we get started, I want you to know that I’m here and I’m present with you, but I’m going through some stuff personally. I’m probably at about 75 out of 100 today. I still think I can be helpful to you, and I’m here for you. I just wanted to acknowledge that I’m human and I’m having a harder day.”

The response has been overwhelmingly positive.

Sometimes clients express concern for me, and that’s where I remind them: I’ve got me.

I’m aware of what’s happening for me. I’m taking care of myself. And I still know that I can be here with them.

There’s a big difference between being human with a client and making a client responsible for what we’re going through.

Appropriate transparency can actually humanize the therapeutic relationship. People aren’t showing up to connect with a therapy robot. They’re showing up for a relationship with you.

3. Pay attention to who you’re spending time with outside of work

When you’re going through it, the time you spend outside of the therapy room becomes especially important.

We all have different lives. Families, partners, kids, pets, caregiving responsibilities, friendships, loneliness, grief, loss, and a million other things can exist alongside our work.

If you can, connect with the people who know how to show up for you.

Maybe it’s someone you can talk everything through with.

Maybe it’s the person who will force you to go for a walk when you’ve been sitting inside all day.

Or maybe it’s someone who can just physically be near you without needing to say very much.

Think about the people in your life—even if it’s only one person—with whom you don’t have to perform being okay.

Spend some time there.

4. Remember that your body is going through it too

Whatever you’re experiencing, your body is experiencing it with you.

Our bodies don’t get to opt out of stressful periods just because our minds understand what’s happening.

Stress, grief, anxiety, uncertainty, and responses to change can show up physically. So pay attention to how your body has been feeling lately.

Are you exhausted? Tense? Achy? Not sleeping well? Have you been ignoring something because you’ve been too busy dealing with everything else?

Your body deserves care too.

Maybe that means booking the appointment you’ve been putting off. Getting outside. Eating differently. Moving your body. Resting more. Following up on something that hasn’t felt right.

Healthcare systems can be frustrating to navigate, and sometimes getting support requires persistence.

But if there’s something you’ve been meaning to take care of, allow yourself to do the thing. Book the appointment.

Supporting your physical body is especially important when life already feels heavy.

5. Get your own support

We are incredibly lucky to do this work.

We get invited into people’s lives. We witness their stories. We sit alongside vulnerability, grief, fear, change, healing, and growth.

And sometimes we’re going through our own version of those things at exactly the same time.

Consider connecting with your own therapist—or finding one if you don’t currently have one.

We all need somewhere we can show up and not be the therapist.

We need a non-judgmental presence that can take us in, witness what we’re experiencing, and offer us the same kind of space that we spend so much of our lives creating for other people.

We deserve the same care we give our clients.

The same compassion.

The same support.

Because at the end of the day, we’re people too.

And if you’re going through it right now, know that you’re not alone. There’s an entire community of therapists who understand what it’s like to hold space for other people while navigating their own lives at the same time.

You don’t have to be perfectly okay to be a good therapist.

You do deserve to notice yourself, take care of yourself, and make sure you have places where you get to be held, too.

Thanks for staying until the end! If you’re interested in working with me, please email: alyssa@naturalselfps.com or book and consultation here: https://aws-portal.owlpractice.ca/naturalselfps/booking 

I’d love to support your practice!

Sincerely, 

Alyssa